kayakking | (no subject)

Yes, you did back then.

[He remembers it and remembers thinking there was no way Tim was serious at the time.]

So here's this guy. Takes himself real serious, but also rolls with the teasing. Good looking. Smart as hell.

You know, I really couldn't tell at first if you just, weren't into dudes or just didn't realize you were being flirted with.

Or thought I was teasing you.

I definitely thought you were teasing.

I'm sure right at this very moment, in this very position, you'll be utterly shocked to know that I was not.

You would be right.

I still don't fully understand Martin wanting me let alone you.

Okay, first off? Martin is a catch.

[Plural Martin. Either or.]

No, I.

I know. It's why I don't understand him wanting me. Or you being interested.

Because I love you, you dumbass. There isn't criteria for that shit.

[Excuse him, he needs to process that.

Blinks once.

Knows it's honest and true.

But..]

Love me.

[He just... looks back on the WHY ARE YOU SHOCKED?]

Yeah?

Before it was just 'like'. Now it's love?

Yes. You, specifically.

[A beat.]

Expand.

[HE JUST.]

Should I make a PowerPoint? Oohhh, I could get some animations and transitions in there too.

[It is SUCH a Tim tone. Does the press of a kiss to Jonah's neck make it better or worse?]

[Worse, actually. Because he still doesn't understand. He goes still at the affection before exhaling and staring down at Tim, the look of a Jon frustrated trying to figure out a puzzle that's being uncooperative providing all the pieces.]

I'm being serious. I'm genuinely ask- never mind.

[Jonha rests his head back down against him. He does know Tim and if he hasn't answered by now, it'll just be something he has to accept. He's frustrated but... Not enough to get into it.]

[Luckily, Tim couldn't miss that. When Jonah deflates, the fight leaving him, Tim's arms tighten a little.]

Hey, no. Just... give me a minute. Like, I know. I know. I'm not shitting you or me. Some of us don't have the same command of language here, okay.

[He gives a bit of an inelegant huff at that.]

Not like I do either. That is all the... Monster part of me.

Mmm.

[That's a thoughtful sound with no comment after it. There's a ... lot there that he's mostly accepted but it runs up hard against one identity slamming against another.

That's not a conversation for now.

Jonah may sink a bit with the huge exhale Tim lets out, his head sinking back against the cushions.]

I mean. Where's that line between them? I don't know. I know I think about you all the time. Like, I want your dumb ass to be happy but I think I've always done that? But sitting just like this? Makes me happy in a way that's just. No, I want this, desperately, as long as I can.

[He does listen, both to the words, but also Tim's breathing and heartbeat. It's... Nice, in a way. But his voice is quiet. Tired.]

I guess I simply don't... Really understand why.

I dunno. I guess because under it all, you're still you.

Am I?

Because I haven't... [A slow inhale.]

I'm a thing, Tim. I'm the Archive. I'm not... Really me anymore.

[He pulls back on the natural urge to just, immediately assert otherwise. This... seemed... delicate. He tightens his hold a little more, thumb sliding over a patch of Jonah's arm.]

Care to elaborate on that one?

.... Before Algric found me, I.

No one has called me by my name in... A very long time. Even before the Unknowing in my timeline all of it, everything hunting us, hunting me always... Called me "Archivist". Even Elias never bothered with my name except to admonish me when he needed to.

No. Always... Archivist. And then His Archive.

[He sighs, tenuous and a bit shaky. Feelings are hard when they're his own needing to be out out there.]

I don't... Know how much of "Jon" I still really am.

[And... Tim insisted on another to keep the two of them straight. He takes in a sharp breath, feeling a cold sweat down his back and a flush on his face.

He swallows hard.]

Christ... I.

God that's fucked up.

It is. A bit.

[He's kept his face turned down, cheek pressed into Timothy's shoulder and not looking directly at him.]

So, I don't. Fully understand why... me. Because I'm... I'm not me anymore.